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I’ve been MIA for a long time, and to be honest I don’t know whether that’s (quite) over. I’ve had a lot on in the last year, I guess. I’ve moved into my own flat (and I’m very much enjoying living with absolutely no-one, let me tell you), but getting to that point was a 9-month thriller with more ups and downs than the average rollercoaster. I came out of it feeling pretty rough. Then there’s my job, which I dislike intensely, but still haven’t managed to change. All that kind of took a backseat while I was moving, because I felt like I had enough on right at that moment. Maybe next year I’ll be able to focus on improving things there. Other, mostly random, shit has happened along the way. I’m not going to bore you with it.

What it all adds up to is that I haven’t even opened my tea cupboard since I took ownership of my flat back in…May? I put the tea in there, closed the door, and haven’t even looked at it again since. For a while, I didn’t even feel the loss. I’ve still been drinking tea, but mostly just bagged black (Twinings English Breakfast or Everyday) that I keep in a different cupboard (because it shouldn’t be in with the proper stuff, am I right?) I’ve also been drinking those few that I have left at work, although generally I’ve stuck to one until it’s gone (since the beginning of the year, I think I’ve only drank Pekoe Orange Blossom Oolong, Pekoe Japanese Cherry, Bluebird Rhubarb and Custard, and a few Teavivre samples?) It got to the point where I would actually feel anxious about finishing a tin or bag, because then I’d have to find something else to drink, and that’s a very, very odd thing to feel anxious about. Particularly when you love tea like I do. I think it’s somehow all tied up with how I feel about work, like maybe I’m projecting my anxiety about/dislike of my job, onto the tea. Don’t know. Don’t really want to know.

Today was one of those days, except that, for the first time in ages, it didn’t feel so bad. I picked out a tea with no great enthusiasm, but by the end of the cup I was feeling enthusiastic again. Maybe because I liked it when I didn’t expect to? But it’s not like that’s never happened before. Then I came back on here, and I read some of your notes, and in some ways it felt like emerging from a dense fog.

I think I’m almost back.

I think I might look in the tea cupboard this evening. I might even actually buy some tea this weekend.

This is fucking fantastic.

Unless it’s just an illusion. Then it’s not.