8 Tasting Notes
The past 6 months have been quite infuriating. I am someone who needs sleep, not unlike many others I presume, yet in recent times this blessed sanctuary of cognitive rest has alluded me. I moved sluggishly throughout the day, objects in front of me disguised by the fog of fatigue. Days blended together and nights were dreaded. This lack of sleep forced me to contemplate all my past mistakes, embarrassments, and traumas during the same hours drunkards dragged their feet to their wives and vampires hunted for their prey. I was sick of it. I tried every remedy there was. From rigorous nighttime exercise to jacking off before bed. All in vain. I came across this tea and had no hopes. It’s easier that way, the lower your hopes the lighter the fall. I sat in the same couch, in the same room, with the same book in my lap. Slowly I sipped. Suddenly, a warmth spread about me. Not the typical sense of the word, a different kind of warmth. A warmth not of the body but of the soul. I lay in bed that night. My eyelids slowly being pulled down as if the angel of the Death herself had her fingers on them, gently encouraging my sleep. I lay in bed for what felt like eternity eager to open my eyes and see the light of a new day. Instead what I awoke to was my bedside clock. It was 10:02 pm. I had my eyes closed for a minute. This tea is bullshit I still couldn’t sleep. I ended up just buying melatonin. 5mg does the trick. 4/10
TANGERINE TEA!?!? Do you mean orange juice? that was my initial reaction to seeing this on the shelf. I must admit I was hesitant to spend my precious 69 cents on this tea, yet curiosity prevailed. Luckily I’m no cat, I’m a grown man regardless of whatever my father says. He doesn’t approve of my new found addiction to rating teas. In fact, there are few things I do that he does approve of. Maybe if you count me silently sitting in the living room. He still thinks I’m a kid. Typical. Im 6’2" 176 lbs and have facial hair but he still sees me as the kid that peed on mickey mouse at Disney World on my eighth birthday. I WASN’T SCARED OF THE MOUSE DAD. I JUST DRANK A LOT OF WATER. he’s always bugging me to get my life together, maybe I don’t want to go to pharmacy school. Maybe I hate studying biochemical engineer. Maybe school isn’t for me dad! Ever consider that!? Ali dropped out of high school and Reza didn’t go to college and they’re doing fine. You’re forcing me to live out your dream dad. Maybe I have different dreams. Maybe I dream of color, love, and life. I dream to be known, to be cherished, and loved. SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD AND YOU’RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME! anyways the tea did in fact taste like watered-down hot orange juice. not bad. 7/10
Persian Earl Grey. 3 words chosen randomly from a dictionary, strung together in seemingly no rhythm nor reason. When I think of Persian I think of a cat roaming around in the sand. When I think of Earl I think of the man who moved into my neighborhood last year, knocking on my door informing me that he is in fact a sexual predator. Grey, an indecisive color. You’re either black or white. Choose one. However, when blended together a sort of harmony arises. Gone with the indecision. Gone with the fear of being sexually assaulted. Gone with the smell of a sweaty cat. Instead, a nice consensual rainbow of sweet aroma arises in an otherwise normal tea mug. When you drink this tea you feel like Cyrpus the Great ruling the once great empire of Persia. you feel like a lion, king of the jungle, shaking the ground with its mighty roar. You feel as though all color has become brighter, clearer, and more aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Just kidding. This tea is just ok. 5/10
She talks like the movies and smells like hibiscus in bloom. I sit in the shotgun, we dance and forget everything. She looks like Point Reyes and sounds like leaves in the wind. That is what went through my mind when I read Rasberry Hibiscus. If disappointment was a tree, call me a sequoia. I was hoping to feel love with this tea, to feel like I’m being held underneath an oak tree in the cool summer breeze. Instead, i felt like a hundred Vietnam war veterans punched me in the stomach and spit in my mouth. This tea is as red as the blood on my toe after a 3-mile run. The smell itself is enough to tranquilize an elephant. Three sips. That’s as much as I could fathom. Down the drain, it went. My roommate thought I was over exaggerating. all it took was 2 sips for him to realize his mistake. Truly the worst tea I’ve ever had. And I’ve had camomille before.
Put yourself in my shoes. You’re at target, gallivanting around in their home-like atmosphere. It is true what they say. When you’re at Target, you’re family. Now you stumble upon the tea and lo and behold look what catches your eye. A tea simply called " Women’s Energy". As a child, I had always been curious as to what it felt like to be a woman. Easy access to boobs. Supposedly more pleasurable orgasms. Being able to shop at urban outfitters without feeling judged. So you must not blame me for grabbing a box and being so excited I sprinting past the cashier and right out the door. I Drank the tea so fast I must’ve burned the entire track of my esophagus. I drank the entire box in a day. Hoping for the next to be the best day of my life. Boy have I never been more wrong in my life. Perverts started hitting on me at the gym. I was catcalled taking out the trash. Blood. everywhere. Needless to say, I will never be indulging in that tea again. And my pity goes out to all who do. 6/10
Imagine watching “Uncut Gems” written and directed by the Safdie brothers featuring Adam Sandler’s incredible performance as an incessant sports gambler. Now think about how you feel after watching Adam Sandler unremittingly withstand the most devastating blows of his life, scene after scene. For me it was incredible anxiety, the most I’ve felt during any movie I’ve ever watched in my life. Now imagine the opposite of that feeling. That is the feeling you get when you drink this honey lavender tea. Very relaxing, the only thing more relaxing would be going into a sensory deprivation but substituting the salt water for honey lavender. Not only is “Uncut Gems” an 8/10 but so is this delightful treat by yogi tea.
It’s a winter night, frost is nipping at the window. Your toes are curled against the warmth of the hearth. Smores? hell yeah. You watch your mom place the milk next to the chimney in preparation for Santa’s visit. She kisses your forehead as she walks by. This is what yogi peppermint tea tastes like. Love. Innocence. Child-like excitement. My life will never be the same after this tea. Everything is now dull and boring. This tea is my only light. May God bring vengeance to the man who dares take it away from me.
