Tea Press Sipdown (379)!
In a rough place right now…
Yesterday was my day off, so I decided that I’d make some tea and head down to the mall to surprise my boyfriend with a visit. I haven’t really done that in a long time, and I thought it would be a nice/sweet thing to do since this week has been… hard.
I even picked this tea specifically because of its Irish inspiration. I thought it would be a nice tea to share with him, seeing as he’s Irish and very proud of his heritage. I made it with milk and sugar, just like he takes it too..
I don’t think it’s worth going into all of the details, but it was a BAD afternoon. I mean, it’s been a stressful month. He’s very close to 50 days of straight work, with out any days off AT ALL, between two jobs. Gradually, the higher than number count has gotten, he’s become more distant, and less affectionate. This last week, he’s just bee flat out mean. To everyone – and its come off in a way where he almost seems proud of it. It’s just been grating, trying to be this positive force and supportive when I’m only met with sarcasm, and cruel remarks. Insults every time I wear anything Halloween related (my favourite holiday, his least), being flat out told that there was no way I was going to be able to pull off the cosplay I have planned for comic con, told that the colour I dyed my hair looked awful on me…
So anyway, on his lunch break I went shopping with him and he kept asking my opinion on the clothing he was looking at. “Does this print look good?” “What colour do you like?” “Which gloves would look good with my coat?” Every time I gave an opinion he’d tell me it was wrong, or that I had no taste in men’s fashion. Or just glare at me, as if I was an idiot for what I was thinking. It was finally just too much, and despite my best efforts I felt several tears roll down my cheek.
After that he just kept pressing me over and over to tell him what was wrong, and finally I just buckled and told him that while I’ve never had an issue with sarcastic banter or the occasional snide remark (I think some of the strongest relationships are built around that sort of playful/sarcastic teasing form of flirtation) that it stops being fun/playful when it goes on for over a week, without any sort of compassion/affectionate actions inbetween to balance it out. That I wasn’t mad at him, but that I felt broken, beaten down, and just… like he resented me.
After that I just stood at his desk for an hour and just silently cried, while he said nothing/wouldn’t make eye contact with me. A few times I asked if he wanted me to leave, and he just nodded his head no. So I stayed, and I felt foolish for the tears streaming down my face. Finally, when he got off work, we went and walked to his bus stop, and he broke up with me.
And now I just feel… lost.
All evening I tried to figure out exactly at what point things changed for him, if it was my fault or if it was just inevitable. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not upset that the relationship is over. I think, deep down, I’ve felt that is has been for weeks. I think what I’ve been clinging to, and what I’m mourning the loss of, is losing any sort of relationship with him. I’ve never ever been able to successfully remain friends with someone after breaking up with them, but he was the first person that I deeply believed that would be possible with and who I wanted to try to maintain a friendship with.
Except that’s not what he wants. He’s made that clear. And that hurts. So much.
I’m ready to let go of the relationship, I think, but to let go of the best person I’ve met all year? It’s killing me inside, and now I just don’t know where to go from here…
One thing I guess I’m certain about is that I’m happy this was a sipdown. I don’t know that I could handle holding onto this tea. I just know it’s the tea I’m always going to associate with this breakup. And I doubt I could relive that every time I drink it.